Is it worth it?

Let me begin this first post by recognizing the fact that I am a very lucky person. I have good health, a strong body, and a highly functioning mind. I have supportive family and friends that I can count on, and I live in a place with many comforts. I am thankful for all of those blessings.

Still an introspective mindset leaves me questioning if I am on the correct path. For some context, I left a good normal career a number of years ago to chase a dream of being self-employed and spending more time on something I truly enjoy. I asked myself every day I spent another 8 hours working for a multi-billion dollar global corporation if that was the best way to spend my time here. That lead me to being a social media influencer, and a successful one. I currently operate a business that holds millions in assets, creates millions in annual revenue, and employs a number of my friends and family. We are the "top dog" in our particular field as of now by a significant margin. I travel freely and regularly, have disposable income, donate heavily, set world records for things, and have gotten to befriend people and enjoy experiences that are truly rare. Looking from the outside by many people's standards I am on top of the world, so what is there to possibly question?

As is true with most start-up businesses and self employment in general, they take sacrifice, and boy have I sacrificed. Time, money, and resources I had built in my previous work were spent as if they were infinite. I take no issue with that part. The question I wrangle now is am I sacrificing myself? A simple hobby turned into a life-dominating career. I was in the right place at the right time so I ran with it, and it certainly has been exciting. However along the way much collateral damage has been done. I stepped away from lifelong hobbies and passions to focus on the one that could make me money. My persona has grown online but also been narrowed to the only the qualities that pay. Some of my closest personal relationships have suffered. The business is not entirely to blame but certainly played some role in my divorce. More and more people like me every day, but fewer and fewer really know me.

In this endeavor I've always been true to myself. I've never sold out, promoted things I didn't like, etc, but still online I am undoubtedly a character. I give the fans only the pieces of me they like the most, the bits of me they see for 30 minutes a week and believe they've defined my entire being upon. I am somebody to them and sometimes in an important way. The messages of helping people through difficult times and providing inspiration are truly uplifting, but how many pieces of me can I splinter off to play a tiny role in other's lives before there isn't enough tree left to hold itself up?

I've been left feeling recently that I've unintentionally traded my last love for hundreds of thousands of likes and in the long run that math doesn't pan out. I certainly have lost some passion for the subject of my "fame" after years of making it a job, and I'm quite certain that no number of followers can replace having that one special person in your life. A million grains of sand don't equal a rock. That's been a tough one. The years go fast and in my stage of life I'm becoming incredibly more aware of how badly I want to find that person to hold onto. Since being divorced I've only met one that had me imagining the future and smiling again, really feeling like the money and the stuff means nothing. Naturally I just went overboard and scared her off, I think anyways.

But I digress, I'll explore all those things in more detail at a later date. Thanks for reading!